


An Expert Vigilante

by whiterabbit1613



Category: Green Hornet (2011)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 18:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiterabbit1613/pseuds/whiterabbit1613
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first step in successful vigilantism is assembling the team. Britt hasn't figured out the other steps, yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Expert Vigilante

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ilthit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilthit/gifts).



Lenore doesn't realize what -- or rather _who_ \-- has woken her until she has knocked both of them to the floor of her bedroom. Kato is crouched there, stoically probing the new bruise to the crane of his skull; Britt is rather more loudly bemoaning his "I think you broke it Lenore, holy _fuck_ " nose.

"For god's sake!" she yells. "Why are you in my house in the middle of the night? Britt, why are you even up and about _at all_? The doctor said --"

"I'b aseblig the teab!" Britt replies reproachfully, hand clamped to his nose. "The Greeb Horbet bust stig agaib!"

"He's been saying this all night," Kato adds.

"It couldn't wait ‘til morning?" Lenore collapses on her bed as the adrenaline starts to ebb from her legs.

Britt gives her his best impression of a withering look between cautious dabs at his nostrils. "Vigilantes do all their work at night, _Lenore_."

"Yeah, because clearly any of us is an expert on vigilantes." Lenore rolls her eyes and grabs a pair of sweatpants from the foot of her bed.

 

\--

 

Lenore privately thinks that the two of them look ridiculous seated in full costume at her kitchen table, drinking herbal tea. But the same insane part of her that didn't turn the two of them over to the cops that first night is excited at the prospect of masterminding some new -- potentially fatal -- escapade.

Instead of bursting out with some harebrained scheme as she had expected, Britt just sits there, looking at her.

After a minute of this, she says, "Well?"

Britt shrugs. "You're the criminal mastermind, here."

Lenore resists the urge to throw her mug at him -- just barely. "If you don't have a plan, get out of my house so I can go back to bed."

Perhaps to avert Britt's impending doom, Kato leans forward and says, "I've heard some of Chudnofsky's meth labs are operating again."

"Where did you hear that?" Britt asks curiously.

Kato shrugs. "I hear things."

"But how? I run a fricking newspaper and I don't hear things."

"'Run' may be a bit generous," Lenore murmurs, unheeded.

"You are not one of the _people_ ," Kato says smugly. "The _people_ hear things."

"I am too one of the people!"

Lenore feels the onset of a headache. "Boys --"

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"Are --"

"If you don't stop right now I'm getting my baseball bat," Lenore threatens.

Britt glares daggers at Kato, but he shuts his mouth.

Glorious silence reigns at the table for the next five minutes. Just when Britt is starting to look like fire ants are crawling up his spine, Lenore says, "Okay, taking down meth labs is good."

"I think we should step into the power void left by Chudnofsky," Kato adds.

Lenore nods. "Okay, let's figure this out."

"Can I talk yet?" Britt asks.

 

\--

 

The next night finds the Green Hornet and Kato sitting in the shabby living room of a scruffy man who looks much like the last meth cooker with whom they had interacted.

“You sure you’re not gonna flame-thrower me?” the scruffy man asks uncertainly. “Cause I know you guys flame-throwered Tupper and that just ain’t nice.”

“No, of course not,” Britt says appeasingly. “Nobody’s here to flame-thrower anybody. We’re just here for a little chat.”

“Ah, okay.” The meth cooker nods, though he looks unconvinced. This is possibly because they crashed the Black Beauty through his kitchen wall only moments before; her machine guns are trained on him from across the room.

“We just want to know who your boss is,” Britt says.

“ _You could try to be a_ little _intimidating_ ,” says Lenore’s voice in his ear. They had agreed that, as she was the mastermind, the least they could do was keep her in the loop via headset.

“Shut up,” mutters Britt.

“But I didn’t say anything…?” The meth cooker seems unsure about this, himself.

“Oh, I was, uh, talking to Ka – my sidekick.”

“I’m not your sidekick!” Kato hisses.

“ _He really, really isn’t,”_ adds Lenore.

“Well, I need to call you _something_. I can’t just call you Ka—“

“Call me the driver!”

Britt gives him a look. “Really? The _Driver_? That’s the best you can come up with? I’m telling you, the Blue Wombat –“

The meth cooker cuts in. “Guys, like, if you aren’t gonna talk to me that’s cool, but I really need to get back to work and stuff. You kinda wrecked my lab and there’s a big order due tomorrow.”

“Oh! Right! We won’t keep you too long. But we do need to know who your boss is.”

(“ _Seriously?”_ asks Lenore.)

“I mean,” says Britt, leaning in for his best impression of menacing, “Tell us who your boss is, or we flame-thrower this fire trap.”

“But you just said you wouldn’t flame-thrower me,” the meth cooker whines. “It’s not really fair to say you won’t, and then say you will.”

“Well,” says Britt, then runs out of steam. The man had a point. He looks at Kato.

Kato scowls. “ _Life’s_ not fair.”

 

\--

 

They do flame-thrower him on the way out. Kato claims his finger slipped. Britt finds this unlikely but high-fives him anyway.

 

\--

 

" _You guys might want to stop destroying everything in your path if you actually want people to_ talk _to you,_ " Lenore yells into their collective ears as they speed away from the Russians' hideout. Said Russians are hot in pursuit, machine guns blazing, which is when Britt realizes that improvised tanks have become the de facto gang vehicle in LA since the Black Beauty appeared on the scene.

"You're not helping, Lenore!" Britt screams in reply. A bullet had grazed his scalp before they could make it to the car. Nothing fatal, but he keeps wiping blood from his eyes which is understandably terrifying – made doubly so by the fact that _he_ is at the wheel. Kato is slumped in the backseat muttering to himself in Chinese, incapacitated by a solid whack to the head that may or may not have been caused by Britt carelessly throwing one of his new mini-grenades at a structural beam.

“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” Britt yells over his shoulder, half hysterical. “Hang in there!”

“我的頭很痛… 阿!很漂亮的小鳥! 我想跟他們唱歌,” Kato replies.

Britt groans. “Aw, _shit_.”

“ _What’s wrong?_ ”

“Kato’s speaking in tongues!”

Kato interprets this as an invitation to sing.

 

\--

 

“You can’t keep coming here dressed like that! Eventually my neighbors are going to notice!” Lenore chucks a spatula at Britt’s head as he lugs Kato through the back door. “Also, I _am not a medical professional_!”

Britt just barely avoids the culinary missile and plonks Kato onto the kitchen table, glaring at Lenore.  “Neither am I, _Lenore_ ,” he snipes, “But the way I see it, _you’re_ the mastermind, so _you_ figure it out.”

Lenore almost pelts him with another spatula but by this point she has noticed the copious quantities of blood seeping from Britt’s hairline and decides it would be a bad decision. “Sit down!” she snaps. Britt collapses into a chair. Meanwhile, Kato is singing happily to himself.

“Is this a normal reaction to getting whacked on the head?” Britt asks weakly.

Lenore glares at him. “Again, _not a medical professional_!”

“…分手在起風, 這個季節 –- 兄弟!”

“Oh!” Britt leans forward in recognition and grabs Kato’s hand. “ _Xiong di_ , yeah! _Xiong_ _di_! I’m here, man, it’s all gonna be okay, just please stop speaking in tongues –"

“He’s speaking _Chinese_ , Britt, it’s not _speaking in tongues_ –-"

“Whatever makes you feel better,” Britt replies absentmindedly, petting Kato's hand in what is likely meant to be a soothing fashion. Lenore just rolls her eyes.

 

\--

 

After a while, Kato’s pleasant singing voice peters out and he falls asleep, snoring, on the kitchen table. Between them, Lenore and Britt haul him to the sofa.

“We have to sit with him all night,” Lenore says. “You’re supposed to wake up a concussed person every two hours.”

Britt leers at her from under his forehead bandage. “Guess we’ll have to find a way to keep each other up all night, then.”

 

\--

 

She hadn't intended to wind up with two unconscious masked vigilantes on her hands, but the silence is _golden_.

**Author's Note:**

> Ilthit -- I hope you enjoy your Yuletide gift! Your "Dear Author" for GH perfectly describes how I see the characters as well so I tried to include a lot of the banter, and of course Lenore being awesome! This was my first time writing for Green Hornet and while I'm not sure I got the voices quite right, I enjoyed the challenge and look forward to writing more in this fandom in future.
> 
> The Chinese song lyrics Kato is singing are from “我落淚. 清徐零碎” by Jay Chou. 兄弟 “xiong di” means ‘brother’ as discussed in the film. The rest of the Chinese is from my own knowledge and I apologize for any grammatical errors I may have made.


End file.
